I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
