I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
