you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
did i just pee glitter
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
