Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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