Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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