Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You made out with two different species that night
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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