I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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