shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
