i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We're too hungover to prance.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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