Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Randomize
