He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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