Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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