All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
