So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
