Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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