yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
