A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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