ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
