I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
