hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
