Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I could fuck to npr.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
