I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My balls are so social today.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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