Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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