we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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