you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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