I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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