Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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