I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
