Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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