Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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