what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
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90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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