if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
