Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
