census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
