I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
