just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she pinky promised me she was 18
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
