i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
