Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
