You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm always down for nudity.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
