I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
