I wish I only lived at night.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
