Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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