I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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