I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
