Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
