if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?