Swine flu. Run for my life!
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
