he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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