My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
