idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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