I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize