College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
