Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
