p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
