You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
