Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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